I was forced to admit my Eating Disorder

When I was a member of Vegan Women Australia I confided in the group about my eating disorder. How I turn into a different person when the urges to binge and purge fill my brain. How I'll sometimes even lie, hide food and not look at labels of candy for milk. At the time of posting I was getting no support, my therapist dropped me when I came clean about my eating disorder saying she chooses not to treat or deal with eating disorders. And because she gave me no references on who to see who could help me, because my boyfriend and loved ones didn't understand the severity and still don't understand what happens to my brain when I'm in a craze, I was so alone. So groups like VWA opened up a possible ease for me. Until the group allowed bullies and problematic people to rule the group; my information was unfortunately leaked. However the girl who made my predicament public decided to leave out the fact that it was an eating disorder and publicly called me out for consuming products with milk as a vegan. I was then forced to admit my eating disorder and forced to be comfortable talking about it. That was hard.

A few days ago a friend came to me at work and told me she received anonymous messages from someone asking why they're friends with someone who's vegan but throws up everything she eats. This was in reply to a snapchat of me behind my work bar dancing and having fun. I'd like to say those messages did not affect me but they did.

I went on my break and binged like an animal. That binge session went from a half hour break to a two day binge and purge episode. It lead to crying in pain over the toilet, crying over a pizza box, pain every time I spoke, a raw throat and general discomfort.

These girls don't understand what happens when they out other girls with eating disorders, they don't understand the impact of their bullying, they don't understand the earthquake effect their anonymous messages have on their victims. They don't understand the shame I feel after an episode, the also don't understand the compulsion. 

It's my dirty shame of a secret that you outed, but I had no choice in it, I have no choice in it. And so I feel my disease justifies the lies, the hiding and hoarding of food and the carelessness in the craze of the compulsion when it comes to reading labels on the food I binge on. I'm not me when my eating disorder fills my brain. So yes, I am vegan, because being vegan is avoiding animal products as much as possible and practical. it's not possible for me to just not have an eating disorder, it's not practical for me to just not have an eating disorder. 

I don't personally know anyone who would say it to my face, who would out me in person, who would want to make a spectacle of me and something I'm ashamed of and have no control over. I would never want to know anyone who would do that to me. I would love to tell these people who I am, I'd love to share the pain in my heart, the struggles I have and the true extent of my illness to them, so they understand just what they've done to me. Because they do these things out of spite, they've done this to me because there's something wrong with them but it doesn't make what they've done less hurtful, to have lesser of an affect on me. They didn't do this to spread a vegan word, they didn't do this to help me, they didn't do this to enlighten anyone. They did this to cause and inflict pain.

So here's my response to everything that's happened: I wasn't ready.