Why I Can't Be Vegan Anymore

I hope this doesn't turn into one of those articles that gets shared around religiously on vegan groups on Facebook, because I've seen those ones with the caption 'omg is this a joke?' Because it's not like that. 

I was one of those vegans that thought the majority could and should be vegan. Obviously I knew people who couldn't do it for cultural, financial and health reasons. I never thought about it from the perspective and situation I'm in now. I'm bulimic.

My bulimia stems from emotional trauma and food hasn't always been readily available to me. So I can't be vegan. I can't keep calling myself vegan when I slip because it isn't fair. And so I hope the vegan community can respect that and respect my decision. "Your decision to exploit animals?" Well yes and no, my decision to remove the stress of vegan guilt from my already crumbling self esteem. I will have vegan guilt for the rest of my life or until I can become well enough to resume being vegan. 

Yes I run a vegan support group that's intersectional and inclusive vegans. And I will continue to run that group because my belief system is still the same, my morals are still the same, I'm just not the same person I am when I'm healthy. 

When I've spoken about my eating disorder before I mentioned I hoard food, steal food from room mates and lie about food. I become a different person when I binge. Food gives me a high. When I binge I eat fast, I eat a lot and I feel a similar high as I do when I'm rolling. And when I stop I feel the guilt.

When the binge is over I feel the guilt of whatever behaviours it took for me to get the food, how ever much money it took to buy the food, the guilt and fear of gaining weight from the binge and the guilt that I may have ingested something that could have had milk or cheese in it. And thats when the purge starts. 

People wonder why there are glasses in my bathroom, why I carry water into restaurant bathrooms or club bathrooms. It's to help me purge. Purging is crying over the toilet, swaying over the toilet, catching my breath, the burn, the feeling of it in my nose, the anxiety I feel if someone can hear or if I'm not alone or if I'm taking too long. 

There's a vending machine around the corner from my house and I'm always worried someone will spot me buying non vegan chocolate from there and it's been too much for me. We all know what vegan brianne did to me when she learned about my slipping because of my eating disorder, she posted it publicly and that kind of vegan persecution is the main reason I have to separate myself from veganism.

For the last two weeks I've spent hundreds of dollars on pizza and delivery fees and hid what was on it from my room mates. I made a joke about it when one of them saw me carrying a stack of pizza boxes due to the obvious absurdity of the vast amount of boxes she saw. I try to play it off by saying I'm a 'bin human' and that it's just a part of being 'too lazy to go grocery shopping' but the truth is, I'm sick. 

I lied to my long term boyfriend for a very long time by making out like I just over eat and it makes me sick so I had to vomit. He, for a very long time, assumed I was just 'rebelling' or over eating because I 'love food'. My sickness put a massive strain on my relationship. 

It's become too hard to hide packets of chocolate, wrappers and deliveries. My close friends know I'm sick, I've always been open about it, they just didn't know what I was binging on and I've been so ashamed. So I figured today was the best time to step down. My housemate wanted a pizza party for her birthday tonight and I knew I wouldn't be able to have pizza without using it to binge, so it made sense to do it now. 

It's put a strain on the situation I'm currently in being single, I want so bad to find love. But who can love me when I get triggered by not fitting into a size large and needing to binge and purge because I'm silently dying for not being able to fit into those shorts. No one should have to endure that and no one is going to date a sick person. 

And so I'm struggling. I'm struggling to come to terms with how sick I am now, and I'm struggling to stay vegan. If non vegan food wasn't a food option then I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard. But the fact of the matter is, is that it's in everything, it's everywhere and it's too hard. 

I'm sorry if I let anyone down and I'm sorry if it's disappointed any of my readers, and if my reader count drops dramatically then I understand. No one can hate me more than how much I hate me for not being strong enough to be conscious in that state.