My Second Rape Didn't Break Me Like The First

The first time we had sex it was great, it went for hours but I did end up orgasming which was the entire point of me going over there. He'd ordered an uber for my housemates and I to ensure I was safe, meeting people off tinder can be a game of caution. I had actually seen this man around, I used to manage a store in Chermside and he was the Apple Store guy; we'd just never spoken before. This guy was tall, had that hair cut I loved, tattoos and muscly and to be honest something about his Apple guy tech talk turned me on. He ordered us an Uber home and asked me to text him when we got home safe. I did and he wanted to see me again.

It turned into a regular thing, not just the sex but listening to music and talking about our exes, going to breakfast and dinner and movies. One time he even held me as I cried about my recent loss of love. It was okay, until it wasn't.

One night I was drinking and he sent for me with an uber so I obliged. When I got there I remember sitting on the bed, dizzy and trying to stop everything from moving. Then I remember us having sex. Now I don't want to shame anyone who likes this, I'd done it before and liked it but decided it wasn't for me so when he asked to do anal that night and I said 'no, I don't want to can we keep doing this' I expected for us to just...keep doing this. Instead I felt the pain of a thousand knives and started crying. He had forced himself into me and I didn't expect it. I had to push him away so he would stop or he wouldn't have. 

I foolishly chalked that down to a one time thing and that it wouldn't happen again. And looking back I don't blame myself because I was so in need of company because I was so broken over my breakup even though it had been months. I needed someone to just be with me, even if they did something that hurt me, I seemed to look over it. To be honest I should have known it would get progressively worse the more he told me he wanted to degrade me. 

Then I got suicidal, I was fragile and no one seemed to care. My ex still in the picture but obviously not offering the same support as before, I needed someone to actually talk to me and no one really flinched when I said I wanted to kill myself. I did the bare minimum of everything, of moving and eating - it felt like my breath was sucked out of my lungs and a cloud was in my head. I told this man all of this. And there I was in the uber again.

When I got there he let me sleep, but in the morning that wouldn't be the case. I was actually woken up to him wanting me to touch his penis that was erect and kind of intimidating. I just wanted to sleep and I was half there. He kept putting my hand on it and I would politely smile and take it back off. He kept saying things like 'I can't go in to work like this though.' And I ended up responding with 'Then sort yourself out?' So he did, in the bed, right next to me. It started with him putting my hand on his leg saying 'Can you please just touch me' and so I left my hand on his leg. And then he put my hand down there, I moved it away but he put it back on and I guess it stayed on. He tried talking dirty but I was half asleep and didn't have time for that so I ignored him and just kind of laid there with my eyes closed waiting for it to end, funnily enough, being polite. He kept saying he couldn't go in to work like this and pushing me for more involvement in what he was doing and I kept saying 'no' until he climbed on top of me and sat on my chest and put his junk all over me. I told him I would bite it if he didn't get the fuck off me, he didn't. In my head I was trapped. I was technically trapped physically, I mean I could have bitten his dick off but it didn't really seem like a feasible option. But in my mind I was trapped, I was in his house, he was the means of transport there, and I was also broken. The only way out I had was to let him get it over and done with so I said can I please first go to the toilet. He released me and I went to the bathroom to collect myself. From there I could have just snuck out and forfeited my bag and phone and like found my way out out of where ever I was but that wasn't what I did. Instead I let him get it over with and while the sex wasn't horrible I wanted it to be over before it even started. 

After he got what he needed he went cold. I ended up leaving feeling more suicidal than I had when I came to him. Even though I said no about 27 times that morning I still gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he just didn't understand. So I texted him and explained all of this to him, reminded him of every moment I said no, I told him I really, really didn't want to do it and how I felt after. He told me 'that's just your opinion on it, I didn't see it like that'. 

'See it like what? I said no like 27 times this morning and you forced yourself on top of me so I couldn't move?' I sent. He still wouldn't see it. After a few texts back and forth of me continuously giving him the benefit of the doubt I said I didn't want to continue seeing him. As soon as I said that he apologised and asked what he could do to make it better. 

He's messaged me a few times since but I'm keeping that experience closed and bound. I don't know if my previous rape has made me numb to actually being sodomised against my will. But I think it all ties in with my feeling abandoned by the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and some mummy and daddy issues and the fact that I felt ignored and unimportant at my absolute lowest, it allowed me to be taken advantage of both physically and mentally. 

So I've been raped twice. There's a statistic that says women who've been raped once are more likely to be raped again and there's absolutely no studies to be found that suggest why. There's a lot of speculation on forums saying that women who are raped are more likely to put themselves in that situation again but that's all victim blaming bullshit. I didn't ask to be sodomised or forced into sex, sure I didn't bite his dick off or run into the street with no clothes on but I didn't make him do that to me. And while we're on the question of why women who've been raped are more likely to be raped again, I'll cite that he knew I'd been raped some years before because that's just where one of our D&M's had lead previously. 

Why are there no studies on this? Why are rape victims being blamed not only for their first rape but the ones thereafter? Why am I not broken from my second rape as much as my first rape broke me? I don't have answers for these questions, only explanations for why I didn't act violently or recklessly to try and stop it from happening because I know there are going to be people questioning why I didn't do those things in an attempt to save his face and blame me. 

It took me 5 years to be able to write about my first rape, to even tell someone about my rape. It only took me a few weeks to write about this one. Does that mean I'm becoming numb to being raped or that I now expect it in a world where women are constantly raped?